Perhaps since times immemorial have men been asking questions such as “what do women want?” and over the years a lot many celebrity authors have attempted to answer these questions through famous books such as “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” and for women readers, “Are you the One for Me?”.
Sometimes, however, it’s wiser to turn our attention inwards to look at reasons within our own behaviors that may be causing problems in our relationships. And Yes! It’s not only women are overly emotional or irrational at times, we, men, make our own fair share of mistakes in the relationship.
Here are a few important ones
1. We listen only to answer.
This is perhaps the biggest problems women clients share with me in counseling. They do not feel heard or in the worst case scenario, they feel ignored. Guys, it’s time to start really listening to the lady in your life and not just to her words.
2. We’re stuck in problem-solving mode
This is another problem based on unhealthy communication as well as skewed expectation. It’s actually very simple. Sometimes our female companions aren’t sharing their problems with us so that we can provide solutions. “I want to talk about a bad day I had at office”, can sometimes just mean that. They just want to be heard.
3. Women aren’t just fixtures in our lives
Most men wrongly assume that the woman must fit into the household and that no or minimal change is required on the part of the husband. This is a recipe for a disaster. While it’s true that both partners should maintain their individuality, marriage must provide a change from ‘me’ to ‘we’. This holds true for both partners.
4. Men enter relationships with a certain amount of insecurity (females sometimes too)
This point would be the cause for endless debates I presume. However, I’ll try to explain this as simply as possible. Sometimes we operate under programming that’s insidious and completely unknown to us. Some of these highly controversial thoughts include:
- She must be controlled or else she’ll control me.
- I cannot let her know she’s important to me, she might get “out of control”.
- She’s the root of all sin.
- She’ll respect me if she fears me.
- She and I are not an intellectual match therefore we cannot “communicate”.
- She’s not educated enough therefore she can’t “understand” what I’m saying.
This list please understand.
5. Communication must be limited, I must get the final word
This has to do with needing to “win” in a conversation. It has to do with scoring “points”. You can kiss your relationship goodbye with an attitude like this.
You may be surprised as to how some of these points aren’t exclusive to the male gender. I’d like to mention that this article isn’t to point blame at men only. As a relationship of equals, women must be aware of their negative habits that can ruin relationships too. I will touch upon some points in the next article.