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Written By: Maria Anwer:
In Pakistan, post-modern era has taken its toll and we have our young generation exposed to relationships and affairs at an early age more than ever. It includes either long term commitments or, exploitation which usually start at school, college and undergraduate institutions. In this article, we will bisect the factors which are required for long term relationships and the ones which cause divorces.
Talking about early age romances, they start when the teenage underdeveloped brain is bombarded with hormones. Through research, it is found out that couples who get into relationships young are most likely to get divorced. Usually, relationships break down because people are not mentally mature and do not know what they want out of life. The reason why young couples are divorced more is because they have not asked the right questions to themselves before getting into a relationship. A study shows some crucial questions to be asked before walking down the aisle with anyone, they are as follows: Who is going to do the laundry? How obsessed is the couple with their jobs? How does the change in eating habits of one effect the eating habit routine of the other? How much does each of the partners know about the other person’s past? How much of a financial safety net does the couple has? Can both the spouses be breadwinners? Lastly, what can be changed after both of the people are married? All the above mentioned questions are directional. They seem to be very usual tasks or, sharing but on a regular day to day basis, when jobs become demanding, all of the factors come into play for any relationship to start experiencing jitters.
When teens get into relationships, it either ends in matrimony or, in exploitation resulting in heartbreaks by high school sweet hearts. A biological analysis of matrimony or, lawful courtship, in lieu of why younger couples split has many important factors underlining them. These paradoxes have their roots grounded in psychology as per the development of the brain. The pre-frontal cortex, which is the decision making part of the brain, also known as the logical brain , is developed long after the development of the emotional brain , also known as the limbic system. It means that the younger a person starts a relationship, it is the emotional brain which is making the decision and, the chances of their split are more. The connection is built when responsibilities are handed over to the person of their own survival. It is then that both the brain parts come in a balance and, in harmony with time.
Few other reasons of divorce include infidelity. A lot of relationship spoilers or cheating comes into marriage or, affairs when men are seeking novelty outside marriage but the reason why both the genders cheat in their relationships is as per research came out as the following reasons which were lacking in their marriages/relationships: Sexual attraction, friendship or commitment. It also outlines an ethical dilemma that one person should ask this question from his or herself when getting into a relationship with a married person that what will be the effect of this affair on my self-image and, whether will I be able to respect myself afterwards? It is a question without being judgmental because later on it disturbs the self-esteem of a person bringing it to a low which is another ingredient of failed relationships.
Further, according to a cutting edge research on relationships, the idea of a soul mate is a fallacy. The real gist of a long term relationship is found in how you resolve conflicts. It is when a relationship starts becoming difficult between couples when psychologists recommend incorporating crucial conversations as a part of the arguments.
What are crucial conversations? Crucial conversations are conversations which are held at difficult times where a conflict can be caused if one does not hold the heated conversation properly. It has three most important conditions: One is that it is held at a time when the stakes of both the parties are high, second is that both the parties are emotionally charged and, thirdly, the opinions of both the sides vary. It is an art to handle conversations at that point. It can make or break a relationship. Marriage counselor train couples in how to handle disagreements as another research shows that longevity of a marital relationship lies in the art of handling disagreements.
Love, is a binding force. Here we need to chart out a difference between seduction and intimacy. Love and passion fades away when the realities of life start hiding hard. A lasting relationship has an appreciation of the vulnerabilities of the other partner. It includes both the joys and the pain of the other person. Making the other person feel safe and values such as care, compassion, tolerance, and appreciation are those which seem small but they take us out from the illusionary love into reality where we live our everyday lives with sensibility. These values are the crux of long term relationships. So much so that according to another research conducted by a psychologist of Toronto University, it was found out that self-sacrifice is yet another element which even keeps the sexual spark alive in long term relationships.
Lastly, romances which start earlier in life, are more prone to die young because of emotional bombardments as per age requirements. Long lived relationships have an appreciation of handling the differences and with every passing year of marriage, the chances of divorce go down. Real relationships survive because they are established on the principles of love which matures over time and are more than the libido drive.