You can make significant strides in overcoming codependency by developing new attitudes, skills, and behavior. But deeper recovery may involve healing trauma, usually that began in childhood. Trauma can be emotional, physical, or environmental, and can range from experiencing a fire to emotional neglect. Childhood events had a greater impact on you then than they would today, because you didn’t have coping skills that an adult would have. As a consequence of growing up in a dysfunctional family environment, codependents often suffer further trauma due to relationships with other people who may be abandoning, abusive, addicted or have mental illness.
Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT is a marriage and family therapist. She is a relationship expert and author of “Codependency for Dummies” and “Conquering Codependency and Shame: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You,” as well as five ebooks.. Her articles have been published widely in professional and popular periodicals. She has worked extensively in the field of addiction and codependency. Her philosophy is to encourage each person to determine their own abstinence and treatment objectives.
Editor: Samreen Masaud
Childhood itself may be traumatic when it’s not safe to be spontaneous, vulnerable, and authentic. It’s emotionally damaging if you were ignored, shamed, or punished for expressing your thoughts or feelings or for being immature, imperfect, or having needs and wants. Some people are neglected or emotionally or physically abandoned and conclude they can’t trust or rely on anyone. They hide their real, child self, and play an adult role before they’re ready. Divorce, illness, or loss of a parent or sibling can also be traumatic, depending upon the way in which it was handled by parents. Occurrences become harmful when they’re either chronic or severe to the extent that they overwhelm a child’s limited ability to cope with what was happening. For more on shame and dysfunctional parenting, see Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You.
How you’ve encountered these experiences are your wounds. Most everyone manages to grow up, but the scars remain and account for problems in relationships and coping with reality. Deeper healing requires reopening those wounds, cleaning them, and applying the medicine of compassion.
Symptoms of Trauma*
Trauma is a subjective experience and differs from person to person. Each child in a family will react differently to the same experience and to trauma. Symptoms may come and go, and may not show up until years after the event. You needn’t have all of the following symptoms to have experienced trauma:
- Over-reacting to triggers that are reminders of the trauma
- Avoiding thinking, experiencing, or talking about triggers for the trauma
- Avoiding activities you once enjoyed
- Feeling hopeless about the future
- Experiencing memory lapses or inability to recall parts of trauma