Valentine’s Day is fraught with landmines and expectations, often unrealized, and whether you’re in or out of a relationship, the grass isn’t always greener. Is your situation described here? Read six tips to having a great holiday.


Darlene-Lancer1Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT is a marriage and family therapist. She is a relationship expert and author of “Codependency for Dummies” and “Conquering Codependency and Shame: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You,” as well as five ebooks. She has worked extensively in the field of addiction and codependency.  Her work is informed by training in Self-Psychology, Voice-Dialogue, Dream Analysis, Jungian Therapy, Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy, Somatic Work, EFT, and Hypnosis. She has also previously supervised other therapists as an AAMFT Approved Supervisor and practiced law as an entertainment attorney.


You’re Alone

I can recall Valentine’s Days I wished I were in love with someone who loved me. Worse, were Valentine’s Days when I missed an ex or spent time thinking about someone who wasn’t in love with me. Looking back, what was sad was that I made myself unhappy and ruined one, if not more days, thinking about “if only.”

You’re in a New Relationship

Another Valentine’s trap happens when you’re newly in love. It may be the first Valentine’s Day of your relationship, and you wonder whether your partner will surprise you with something special. Will he or she ignore the day or hopefully say the unmentionable, four-letter L-word?

You’re stressed about whether your card should be funny or mushy. Fears of humiliation and abandonment restrain you from being more vulnerable with your feelings than is your partner. You don’t want your feelings rejected or to scare off him or her off.

If you’re a guy – usually – you could be afraid of hurting her feelings by not doing or saying enough, yet are reticent to do or say too much, which might be misinterpreted as a commitment you’re not prepared to make.

You’re in a Fight

One of the worst feelings on Valentine’s Day is to be in a fight with your partner. Any other day wouldn’t be as painful, but on Valentine’s Day, your worst fears and disappointments about your partner and the relationship are highlighted. In addition to being hurt or angry about the argument, you compare how you feel to how you imagine the day should be and how you want to feel.

Another unhappy situation is if your partner is an addict. You don’t have to be fighting to be on egg-shells all day and disappointed because he’s practicing an addiction, ignoring you, or is looking for a fight to avoid admitting he didn’t plan anything or doesn’t want to go out. You can easily spend the entire day looking and waiting for cues, wondering whether or not you will spend the evening together. It’s hard to generate loving feelings seeing your wife neglecting the children or drunk all day.

You’re in a Dull or Dead Relationship

Many couples in long relationships have lost the spark of love. Valentine’s Day may be a cruel reminder or an opportunity to rekindle it. When romance fades, it can be replaced with love based on deep caring and shared life experience. You might decide not to do anything special. Yet you can still acknowledge your love for each other – even if it’s not romantic love, it’s deep and abiding.

Some relationships have died. Intimacy’s gone, but the couple can’t let go, whether due to age, children, health, or finances, but usually, despite those reasons, there’s a deep attachment. Often one person imagines he or she is staying for the other and is in denial of his or her own attachment needs and fears about leaving.

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