Today has been a hard day, I woke up in a slump and haven’t been able to break its hold on me all day. I moped and complained and I truly gave in to the awfulness that consumed me the entire day and stole my happiness yet again today.
I had been doing fairly well. I had been very carefully (I thought) taking my medications on time and I was having a hard time figuring out why this dark cloud seemed to linger over my head making me feel as less than the person I know I am. When I feel down, I doubt the person I know I can be, I doubt my abilities and in my confidence and my ability to do simplest of tasks. I worry immensely of others judging me. I believe I am not good enough to ever make a mark in this world and I think that my existence is non instrumental in anyone’s lives. Where I know logically these statements are not true, in my mind they are very real to my sick bipolar 1, GAD, ADHD, PTSD mind.
Tosha Maaks is a wife and mother of four teenage boys. She is living with bipolar disorder and ADHD along with generalized anxiety. Just when she thinks she has it all figured out she realizes that she never truly will. She writes about her life in the here and now as it is happening and her past with the episodes that have left the most lasting impressions. At only 38, and after 18 years of marriage she and her family support team work together diligently to make the most out of life.
Editor: Arman Ahmed
I now have to break this cycle of downward swing and as quickly as I can. I start by evaluating what I am doing with my medications and making sure I haven’t accidentally missed any doses of medications at all. I keep my meds in a monthly divider and I fill it at the start of the month, only some of my medications run out mid-month and I won’t go back and put them in and just will open the bottle each day and take it.
I realized tonight I have missed 3 days of a very important antipsychotic to my regimen. This was the medication that broke my cycle of depression over 8 years ago and always sends me into a downward spiral when without it. In fact my husband has driven as far as two hours one way and two hours back to make sure I wouldn’t be stuck without it because it keeps me from having awful voices that tell me to harm myself. It also contains my anger issues. I know my medication currently is my trigger to my depression this time and knowing my triggers are the way to controlling this hell of bipolar disorder.
Today I was too tired to get off the couch. I barely ate. I tried to binge watch a TV show on Netflix but was too distracted. I let all my house work chores go un-touched. I am sure I let my family down. I did not cook them dinner. I did not return phone calls and I didn’t return emails. I canceled meetings and I didn’t shower for the third day in a row.
I hope tomorrow will be much better. I live in constant fear that a trigger is on the surface waiting to emerge to take me into a deep depression or to throw me into a full blown manic episode that will lead to psychosis that will end me up getting admitted to the hospital. I am either too happy or too sad — those middle feelings, those stable feelings, I just don’t know what they really are. I hope someday I do know what they are and how they feel. For now, though I will continue the daily struggle of waking up and not knowing which Tosha will emerge from under the blankets. I hope the happy, go lucky, fun-to-be-around, productive, full-of-energy person is up to the challenges the day brings her because she likes a good challenge, but more than anything I hope that I am just not too tired to get out of bed.