How can we start with heart and how can we stay focused on what do we really want?
Start with heart means we must start with our own heart. We can only control ourselves, we can learn
dialogue skills for ourselves. We can’t change others so our focus is here on ourselves because skilled people always start with heart. They start their conversation with true or right motives, they stay focused no matter what happens. They maintain this focus through following ways:
- They are smart enough to keep an eye on themselves when it comes to knowing about what do they really want? In fact there are many negative influences in crucial conversations which propel us to choose silence or violence as fouling strategies, despite of this constant invitation to slip away from their real goals they never select foul shots.
- Secondly, the skilled people never make sucker’s choices. These choices are either and or type negative options e.g. either fight or flight, either avoid or stay silent, etc. people also justify their negative or unhealthy behaviors by explaining that they have no other option instead of sucker’s choices. But dialogue smart believe that there is always an open and positive way to succeed any crucial conversation.
Focus on what you really want:
Here are some strategies to stay focused.
a. Refocus your brain:
Let’s start with a situation; you are conversing to someone who completely disagrees you on tough
issues. What would you like to do here? How can you refocus your brain? What are your objectives? So start examines your true motives or objectives that you want to get from others. When we are in crucial conversation our motives get changed without any conscious awareness. We begin to change our goal to win, avoid embarrassment, save face and even dominate conversations. Because we are under the influence of adrenaline, it does our thinking for us and our motives flow with these chemicals.
Here you have to step out form crucial conversation for a moment and objectively evaluate your behavior by asking, “What am I doing, what’s about my underlying motives? By asking these questions you can shift your unconscious thinking to conscious and you are in better position to get what you really want.
You can ask these ideal questions when you find yourself slipping away from dialogue. You can ask these questions as reminders when you prepare to step up to crucial conversation.
Here are these ideal questions:
What do I really want for myself?
What do I really want for others?
What do I really want the relationship?
b. Find your bearings:
There are numbers of reasons that why do we act in negative ways such as our primitive fight or flight mechanisms, our genetic hard-wiring that quickly regulate our emotions and our habit to always win. So we are at the age of destruction if we choose primitive or extinction behaviors over conscious behaviors.
c. Take charge of your body
An effort to start with heart or our true motives and asking questions about self, others, relationship helps us to take control of our body. Because by doing so we can change our physiological responses through complex and abstract or demanding questions to brain. By doing so, brain can perceive the current situation as a complex social situation not a physical threats. Hence we can affect our physiology by diverting the focus of our brain.
Here are our deviations that should be avoided if we really want to succeed crucial conversations.
- Wanting to win
- Seeking revenge
- Hoping to remain safe
Refuse the sucker’s choice:
These are two ugly options, having negative impact. We use this strategy to justify our unhealthy behaviors. These choices keep us away from intellectual thinking. People who choose these two ugly options they don’t think or consider third option. They have negative approach to handle things such as either being sarcastic or withhold meaning.